Closing the door again

I've opened that door for you, believed you. But now I see what I am to you. No use, you'd like to see me leave. So I'll let you watch my back, as I leave you from here. No turning back. No more lies from you. I can stand on my own, don't need your lies to see I am so much better off without you. I thought I knew you for a couple of years. But now I see what a fool I've been to believe all your lies. Don't come visit. I won't let you in.

The last lie has been told

After a long time, and the way people tried to tell me, I now have seen the lies that have been told so many times. The lies that always points to me, like I have did something wrong. Like I'm the worst thing that there is, but the liar just doesn't know that all it says is what it is. It claims so much things that people told me that it would be. But I wanted to be blind just to see the good things. But liars will be liars, and the times when I saw the lies, it claimed that I was the one who was wrong, and now puts itself in that position. Now I know why I was the only friend of it. But it is now lonely and I hope for God sake that it will be lonely, because no one deserves the way it treats people like it things it's normal. With constant lies. But it told me those weren't lies, but eventually they came true. Subconsciously I knew it all along, but people tend to be blind. But the times my blindness couldn't stand I knew it all along. And now I understand what all those people tried to tell me. So parents, so their children. And they are...

Other things

I know it's rather boring to read about my life, but I'm still writing (once a while hehe). But the orthopedic doesn't know what's wrong with my joints, so he sent me back to my docter. After a short chat he sent me to a neurologist, he hopes that he could find out what's wrong. But I don't think they'll ever find out. It was just stupid to walk around for more than 3 years with total pain and then think I'd be better to see a docter. But that's me, always thinking it will end up right. We'll see, we'll see.

Other thing, I've been for a couple of days to Unna in Germany with some other volunteers. We had a great time there during a one day during festival.

And for the rest, I have vacation, tomorrow I have a BBQ with some schoolmates. I don't like BBQ's at all, but just going there for the fun. We'll see how that ends up.

And my vacation will be in England! 2 weeks free and looking 'round there to see nice things!

R.I.P. MJ

I was wandering in the rain
Mask of life, feelin' insane
Swift and sudden fall from grace
Sunny days seem far away
Kremlin's shadow belittlin' me
Stalin's tomb won't let me be
On and on and on it came
Wish the rain would just let me

How does it feel (How does it feel)
How does it feel
How does it feel
When you're alone
And you're cold inside

Here abandoned in my fame
Armageddon of the brain
KGB was doggin' me
Take my name and just let me be
Then a begger boy called my name
Happy days will drown the pain
On and on and on it came
And again, and again, and again...
Take my name and just let me be

How does it feel (How does it feel)
How does it feel
How does it feel
How does it feel
How does it feel (How does it feel now)
How does it feel
How does it feel
When you're alone
And you're cold inside

How does it feel (How does it feel)
How does it feel
How does it feel
How does it feel
How does it feel (How does it feel now)
How does it feel
How does it feel
When you're alone
And you're cold inside

Like stranger in Moscow
Like stranger in Moscow
We're talkin' danger
We're talkin' danger, baby
Like stranger in Moscow
We're talkin' danger
We're talkin' danger, baby
Like stranger in Moscow
I'm live in lonely
I'm live in lonely, baby
Stranger in Moscow

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfZz-q8CRLE

Todaisies

I tend to forget to write here. So here's something from what's bothering (or not) me these days.
First of all, the doctors don't know what's wrong with me. I've had pictures, an MRI-scan and now they even took some blood, but still don't know what's wrong. And my joints still hurt much.
Tomorrow I'm going to shop with my best friend. And I'm getting myself done with the needle.
For the rest, I'm going to Wales on vacation. Bought a new camera for it already.

Eyes behind a shade

And then I find myself again in this position. He accepted the fact of going out again, but I can't think any way positive. I can't trust the fact that he says he's busy and he sometimes forgets to message me back (or can't message sometimes, because then he's out of money). I can't trust the fact that he said yes about it. I'm always the one who thinks he lies there and doesn't want to go. That he lied back then in that car about having a realy great time with that smile that must have meant something. The way we looked, the way we had fun. I just can't trust it.
And that's because I always think things won't work out. People won't like me. That idea is part of my past, which I can not change, even though I realy would want to be so much more secure about everything. Why can't I just tell him. Why can't I just trust that fact? I think I can't trust any one for the total hundred percent. And that I even can't trust and accept that fact.

Today shizzle

It's been a while, but I found some time to write here again. Not that it's something very important, but does it matter?
My joints realy hurt today. I've been pulling around a lot of stuff, because I got a new floor in my room. So that kinda explains it. Walked the stairs for like a thousand times (and I'm actually not allowed to walk the stairs).
For the rest, this evening there's the finale of the battle of the bands and I guess I'm gonna be stage manager. Like again haha.
And last, but certainly not least, I'm hoping it's going well with the mom of my best friend. Her mother went to the hospital for her knee. I hope for her she can come home very soon.

O and not to forget, that guy I was talking about. Mjup he's still cute, but it wouldn't work.
I would want too much time for myself, he will be probably very much time gone. He likes to make what I listen. Uhm uhm... well damnit... It just wouldn't work. End of discussion haha.

Here comes the pain...

After a lot of years with pain, the docter finally knows what I have. Artrose, cartilage wear in my joints. After an accident at my first job, my knee hurtst the most from that day. But my other joints hurt as well. And now that docter figured out it'll never pass. I'll just remain with the pain. Well, nice life I will have. But from the other side, I'm not dying from it. So that's somewhat more positive.

Have you ever

Have you ever been with someone in a car after a nice day thinking 'why don't you just kiss me?', like 'Kiss Me' from Sixpence Non The Richer? Well I have... Not that long ago too. But the problem is, at those moments I am too shy to do so myself, so I look shy and then just leave... brrrr. And I thought I knew nothing about romance, but just that song popped up by thinking of it again. Well, maybe there is some little thing out there that might be something like it haha.






Kiss me out of the bearded barley
Nightly beside the green green grass
Swing, swing, swing that spinning step
You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress

Oh kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling so kiss me

Kiss me down by the broken treehouse
Swing me up on its hanging tire
Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat
We'll take the trail marked down your father's map

Oh kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand strike up the band and makes the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling so kiss me

Break-up After Forever

After almost 15 years, one of my favorite bands quits! After Forever, which I loved from the beginning, has decided, after a break of more than a year, to even quit.

"After nearly 15 years and with heavy hearts, we have decided to call an end to a great and exciting time as After Forever. We are extremely proud of what we have accomplished, and especially of the road we took to get here. After Forever has never been a band that repeated itself; we always tried out new things, even though many of them were certainly done at a risk."
This is the beginnen of their very long note that they wrote to explain their break-up.